Honestly, a Victorian kid just couldn’t handle Red Bull. Their small body and diet were simply not prepared for this modern shock. Think about what they ate. Mostly bread, simple mush, and potatoes. Their bodies weren’t used to the huge amount of sugar we consume now. A single can of Red Bull has 27 grams of sugar. They’d shoot up with energy, only to crash hard and feel terrible afterwards. Then there’s the caffeine. Since these kids were small and never drank stimulants, this amount would instantly overload their system. They’d be totally out of control. They’d be shaky and panicky, and their little heart would race. To a Victorian child, Red Bull wouldn’t feel like a fun energy boost. It would feel like a full body sickness caused by magic chemicals they could have never imagined. They would learn very quickly that the “wings” Red Bull promised felt more like a painful, jittery flight straight into the grave.

One interaction with Jeremiah Fisher from “The Summer I Turned Pretty,” would cause a Victorian child to collapse in seconds between his chaotic personality, needy nature, and charm. Their fragile hearts wouldn’t even last 5 minutes. They would probably faint before he even made it to his first overdramatic word. His utterly annoying need to be the main character, mixed with his unhealthy obsession with a two-tier, dark chocolate cake with a raspberry coulis filling and a mirror glaze top, would make these poor kids question life itself. They would probably stare in complete confusion, wondering how someone could care that much about a cake. Jeremiah’s constant need to be the center of attention, especially when something serious is happening, makes real moments feel fabricated, like he is just putting on a performance. He is a talking distraction. Forget scarlet fever, forget measles, forget the plague. Victorian children wouldn’t stand a chance against Jeremiah, because he is the real epidemic.

The screaming child in the corner begging for his mom to buy him a beaver t-shirt, taxidermied animals on the wall, and the sheer existence of beaver nuggets. The first step into Buc-ee’s would send a Victorian child into a full downward spiral. The brisket board and meat counter may be the most revolting part, with the creation of the mystery three-meat sandwich that contains more sodium than a Victorian child could eat in their short lifetime. The jerky wall at Buc-ee’s would have a Victorian child keeling over immediately. What would a child from that decade think of the absurd products in Buc-ee’s. What Victorian child would need a deer feeder and a sign saying, “saving the world from the ordinary”? The massive, yet very clean bathrooms, something so foreign to children of that decade, would surely cause some kind of heart palpitations. From the beaver nuggets to the brisket board, they’re sure to never make it out.

The screaming child in the corner begging for his mom to buy him a beaver t-shirt, taxidermied animals on the wall, and the sheer existence of beaver nuggets. The first step into Buc-ee’s would send a Victorian child into a full downward spiral. The brisket board and meat counter may be the most revolting part, with the creation of the mystery three-meat sandwich that contains more sodium than a Victorian child could eat in their short lifetime. The jerky wall at Buc-ee’s would have a Victorian child keeling over immediately. What would a child from that decade think of the absurd products in Buc-ee’s. What Victorian child would need a deer feeder and a sign saying, “saving the world from the ordinary”? The massive, yet very clean bathrooms, something so foreign to children of that decade, would surely cause some kind of heart palpitations. From the beaver nuggets to the brisket board, they’re sure to never make it out.

Many festival lovers do nothing but rave about Coachella’s dynamic atmosphere and intricate production, but what they don’t know is that the upbeat vibes are really just a cover up for the Victorian child death trap. As they’d make their way through security, just imagine their faces after being greeted by crowds of thousands of eager fans dressed in the latest microtrends. Then, the mass amounts of content creators raving about products and food that look like the result of a nuclear explosion would send them into panic-mode. The blazing heat of the desert would take away their will to participate in any activities, as well as set them up for severe dehydration. Finally, as the day is nearing the end, it’s time for the musical performers to take the stage. Whether it’s the confetti canons, smoke machines, stage lights, or lasers that occur within seconds of each other during each performance, it’s clear that a Victorian child would get beyond overwhelmed, and would simply not survive.

If it’s hard for people nowadays to keep up with all of the personality changes Jojo Siwa goes through, imagine the whiplash a Victorian child would get. Dating back to her appearance on Dance Moms with that colossal-sized bow, all the way to the most recent version that is dating former Love Island cast member, Chris Hughs, she has always taken the world by surprise. However, a Victorian child would find Jojo Siwa’s life updates even harder to digest. One day she premiers her new single music video, “Karma” in which she crawls around on the beach as an introduction for her pop star persona, and the next she wears prosthetic abs and a Draco wig. While someone who spends extensive amounts of time on the internet might laugh and move on, a Victorian child would need an explanation. Because no one is around to give them that, a Victorian child would be dead before the next change could even happen.