PG-13, 114 minutes

Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci

1.5/ 5 Stars

Everyone knows the story of Jack and the bean stalk. Jack (Hoult) a peasant is given some magic beans in exchange for his horse. He doesn’t necessarily believe the man (in this film he’s a monk on the run) that these are really magical beans but soon finds out, with the help of a runaway princess (Eleanor Tomlinson) that these beans are very magical. They grow a giant bean stalk when wet (my first thought was Gremlins!) that connects the human world to a world of giants. And the giants want nothing more than to go back down to earth and eat some yummy little humans like pigs in a blanket.

First off, the good, which will be very quick, I promise. The costumes are great, the visuals are very good (though they aren’t as good as many other updated fairy tale films like 2010’s Alice in Wonderland) and the acting from all the supporting actors are pretty good, especially McGregor and Tucci who give it all they can with the flimsy material they are handed.

Now for the bad, which may take a tad longer. Hoult, who I think is a fine actor and gave a great performance in 2009’s art house film A Single Man, could have been replaced by a wood board in this role. His performance is the male equivalent of Bella Swan from the Twilight movies. Yes he is given hardly anything to actually work with thanks in part to the terrible script, but he could have at least tried like the other high caliber actors! The script, like I said earlier, really is terrible. This is so predictable, it is almost painful. Think there may be a plot twist hidden away in the tangle of vines? Nope. It really is that predictable. (SPOILER! Lowly peasant gets the princess in the end and defeats all the giants single handedly without any beforehand knowledge of weapons or fighting!)

Bryan Singer, the director, used to direct actually good films such as 1995’s The Usual Suspects, 2000’s X-Men, its 2003 sequel, and (though many fan boys will disagree with me on this one) 2006’s Superman Returns. Now, he’s making kiddie movies with the F-word in it alongside booger and butt jabs. Is that really necessary? The  crippling plot, awful gags, boring story that had me nearly fall asleep in the theater all but undermine this movie, which could have had potential as a gritty, intense retelling with visual majesty. Sadly, this is just one boring mess. Fee fi fo yawn.