Disclaimer: If I have ever had a crush on you, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

Ever since I was in second grade and developed a massive first crush on this sporty, blonde highlighted, brown-eyed, absolute god of a boy who used to ask me to help him with his math (which, at the time, I took as him expressing his love for me, but I now realize that he just didn’t want to do his math homework), I have found that there is a pattern that I fall into when I develop a crush. This has been the same system ever since I was in second grade, and now, even as a junior, I can’t break out of it. That being said, things were much easier in second grade. I was such an emotional drama queen that I basically had a crush on any boy in my vicinity, i.e., any boy who sat at my table. I was separated from my crush by a mere fourteen inches for seven hours a day. There were many opportunities to talk.

In high school, there are a lot more variables to account for. First of all, I have six classes (Seven classes? Five classes? I can’t really tell. The end of the year kinda gets me down.), so chances are pretty slim that I’m going to be around my crush for more than an hour. Even then, with my luck, he’s probably sitting across the room from me. Second of all, how do you casually ask someone to push you on the swings in high school? There are no swings in the real world of grown up school; there are only unfinished pages of math homework and grammatically incorrect text messages.

However, does that stop me?

No.

STAGE ONE: CHEESY MUSIC AND SARCASM

And so it begins. A new song comes out about love or crushin’ on someone or thinking someone is cute (I really downplayed that. You know which songs I’m talking about.). I’m listening to it, most likely jamming out, learning the lyrics. Then, soon-to-be-crush (let’s give him a nickname: King Henry VIII) King Henry VIII’s name pops into my head all of the sudden. I’m like “haha, what was THAT about? Right? King Henry VIII? Never.” But then I start thinking about it more, filling myself with sarcastic daydreams. “Hey brain, imagine going on a date with King Henry VIII. How dumb would that be? Or holding his hand? Gross. That would never happen. Hah.”

STAGE ONE PART 2: TALKING

I lied. Forgive me. The stage one I wrote about just a paragraph ago does sometimes happen, but the real stage one, the stage one that has been around since second grade, goes a little more something like this: a) Hear friends/people in the hallway/whoever talking about how cute King Henry VIII is. Immediately become infatuated due to the fact that other people said he was cute (it’s a flawed system). Seek him out, look at his face. If he’s even the slightest, teensyist bit cute: immediate crush.

STAGE TWO- ACCEPTANCE

Stage two is where it gets real. If things pass stage two, this is a full blown, legit crush. Stage one happens, as written, with basically every single cute boy in the entire universe. It would be exhausting to have an insane second-grade crush on everyone. Could you imagine? So, soon after stage one, the love song comes on again, and this time, brain isn’t joking around. I’m jamming again (this happens a lot), you know the drill, and then, King Henry VIII comes up again. Brain is like “Hey, this is King Henry VIII’s song” and I’m like “…? Okay? Maybe?” But then brain is like “Nah, quit joking, you like like this fool.” Then things start to get messy.

STAGE THREE- TALKING MY FRIENDS’ EARS OFF

“Hi lovely, how are you?”

“Oh I’m doing well, I had this math test though and-”

“I have a crush on King Henry VIII do you know him he’s so cute have you seen him around school he’s amazing do you have him in any classes I saw him in the hallway and just about died do you know any of his friends he has like this brown hair kind of ugh I love it and oh my GOD he’s right over there what if he heard this entire thing I think I saw him this morning too actually and…”

STAGE FOUR- STALKING

I am ashamed of this stage. I truly am. I go insane, and thus I apologize. Forgive me again, for the third time in this article. I’m minding my own business, when I suddenly remember that King Henry VIII is in my friend’s L.A. class or something of the sort. I’m like “Oh? He’s in upstairs A-hall after fifth period? Well I have math sixth but what if I just made a quick detour over to A? Just to see my friend? It’s not really that far out of my way.”

Yikes, right?

STAGE FOUR AND A HALF- PROS AND CONS OF THE “MATH HOMEWORK” TEXT

Alright, let’s be real. By stage four, I would do anything to talk and/or see King Henry VIII. And thus: math homework. My way in. Shoot that fool a text: “Can u help me with the math homework (some heart emojis if I’m feeling confident)?” This is my go-to. Pros: a) get to use the heart emoji, b) excuse to talk, even if it is a “math homework?” “sure, here” “thnx” “welc” conversation, c) by saying “thank you” there’s ANOTHER chance to throw a heart emoji in there, d) check out that handwriting (see STAGE FOUR- STALKING). Cons: a) I am a mega-studious person and I do my math homework every night, so if King Henry VIII finds out somehow he would be like “uh why did you ask me for the math homework if you already had it?” And I’d freak out probably and say something stupid, b) literally every single person uses this so if you say “hey can I have the math homework” to King Henry VIII, he can put two and two together and realize that you have a crush. It’s a high risk, high reward kind of a deal.

STAGE FIVE- MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF

By stage five, I’ve managed to hype myself up. There’s King Henry VIII, sitting in the hallway. I can talk to him, can’t I? Easy. Just say “Hi, how are you, well better be off to class,” then go from there. Establish the basic building blocks for an actual relationship with him, right? I flaunt up to King Henry VIII, open my mouth, and something else, probably brutally mean or sarcastic comes out. I’ve said the most insane things to boys I’ve had crushes on. Example, from a conversation I was fairly proud of in fourth grade with my crush, (names are changed) King George I, taken from my fourth grade diary:

“*Standing in a line to go to music* *Sophia Dorothea of Brunswick-Luneburg shows King George I her new ring*

King George I: I wouldn’t buy a ring like that unless I was getting married.

Me: Who knows when that’ll happen?

King George I: Dude, I hate you. You’re so mean.

*I roll my eyes, King George I tries to step on Sophia Dorothea of Brunswick-Luneburg’s foot*

Sophia: Why did you do that?!

King George I: You kicked me!

Sophia: Prove it!

King George I: Ummm

Me: Phhht! (this is seriously written like this)”

Then, I write in my diary: “I know. Cool, huh. Personally, I wish that lasted forever.” Honestly, really nothing has changed.

STAGE SIX: THE END

Crushes happen, dude. They’re insane and crazy and make you feel like every bone in your body is melting into a puddle, but that’s what’s fun! Don’t sweat it. If you make a fool of yourself, if you ask for math homework too many times, if your friend gets sick of you and tells King Henry VIII that you’re completely infatuated with him, just laugh it off. Have fun. Keep crushin’. Stay woke.