Suburban Girls Rejoice Over Newest Starbucks Drink


Oliver Ullman

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Suburban girls everywhere were shocked and overjoyed over the announcement of a new addition to the popular coffee chain’s menu, the Iced Caramel Hazelnut Dolce latte, available at most Starbucks. Sources confirm that suburban girls everywhere were excused from horseback riding lessons and private schools to celebrate. Starbucks confirms that the official release will be sometime between mid-January and February, as not to be overshadowed by expected announcement of another type of UGG boots.

“I’m like so excited.” Said Lizzy “Hope” Owemgee, who specifically put down her Twilight book to ‘um.. chat’ with the Howler. Starbucks also announced that while this new latte will not be for sale everywhere, they will be available at any college where you can earn an arts degree, Katy Perry concerts, and tanning facilities.

“It’s part of a new line that Starbucks is starting that’s going to have the cashachino and nutella-flavored mocha,” said Kendra “Love” Jones, who reportedly loves the Pumpkin Spice Latte more than her own family. Kendra was also heard quoting the movie “Mean Girls” when somebody tried to make twerking happen. “This is the happiest day of my life,” she said.