Hell’s “Naughty-Nice” List Goes Digital, Results Disastrous

This is a piece of satire and should be interpreted as such.

Archchancellor of the underworld, Eugene J. Satan recently made the executive decision to transfer his detailed files on the world’s people to an online format. “The real incentive behind the switch was when flames crept into one of our expansive file rooms, destroying nearly half of its contents” said Satan. “I’ve tried to keep the fire separate from this very important area of hell for over 2000 years now, but it’s always been quite the annoyance. The world seems to be going more and more digital all the time, so I figured, eh, what the hell? Biggest mistake of my life! I couldn’t even imagine the agony my impulsive decision could have caused prior to making it!”

Shortly after the switch, perfectly decent people began showing up in hell in record numbers. A vast array of goblins and demons under the direction of their leader began feverishly searching for an answer. They quickly deduced that the shoddily encoded website had virtually no ability to discern between “good” and “bad” lifestyles. With these limitations, it was sentencing people to the ultimate punishment in a fashion that would utterly disgust even the most apathetic person. Famous “good guy” of history, Nelson Mandela was among the people erroneously sentenced to Satan’s kingdom, “It’s ridiculous, it’s completely ridiculous! Thanks to Satan’s reactionary submission to the societal peer pressure of the digital age, I was subjected to some of the most atrocious acts humanity has ever concocted for nearly 15 minutes. While I appreciate Satan turning off his inferno, that’s an experience I can not and should not ignore. I did not spend my entire life fighting against tyranny to be oppressed to an even greater extent in the afterlife, along with my fellow god-fearers. Satan’s got a lot of work ahead of him if he’s to redeem himself.”

As previously mentioned, Satan, overwhelmed with guilt, quickly made the decision to turn off the gas burners that fuel his eternal fire. A ten minute process that hasn’t been performed in over 800 years. Thanks to this, famous “bad guys” of history are enjoying a brief respite from their eternal torture. Perhaps chief among them is Adolf Hitler. “It’s certainly something for which I am very appreciative,” Hitler said. “Life certainly is bleak down here. Consequently, I’ll take any compromise I can get. It’s a far cry from being the supreme leader of nearly all of Europe, but I’m happy. I can’t help but feel a little bit bad for Satan though. He’s exhaustively busy trying to solve this tragic affair, but also, nearly delusional with rage as we evade the divine punishment we so rightfully deserve. He’d gladly assign some of his demons to us for some individual punishment, but they’re all far too busy.”

Thanks to the bureaucratic nature of religion, this problem is not likely to be solved anytime soon. An initial proposal must first be written up by Satan and only his highest archdemons. This is then submitted to a committee composed of Jesus, Vishnu, Ganesha, Buddha and Athena. They must approve the bill with a two thirds majority. Finally, Yahweh himself has veto power. Three potential solutions have already failed to pass. Satan’s lifelong adversary, Yahweh, also known simply as God says he’s very disappointed in Satan. “He’s certainly done a lot of terrible things before, but I have to say, this easily takes the cake. If you really want to commit to such a jeopardous plan, at least get some decent programmers! I would have gladly hooked him up with some if he hadn’t been such an ungrateful tool. Unfortunately, we’re all screwed until him and his peddling henchmen can come up with a solution that’s actually viable. So far, everything I’ve seen is nonsense. But like I’ve already told Mandela and the rest, just hang in there you poor souls. We’ll get you up here eventually.”

It goes without saying, the previously flawless system of divine punishment has been catastrophically upset. At this point, all we can do is pray for the poor people currently living in hell without proper cause and take some solace knowing they’re not being subjected to the full brunt of what hell has to offer. If there’s one thing Satan can teach us is that we can all benefit from a more cautious approach to potentially disastrous situations.