Your source for everything Monarch


Your source for everything Monarch


Your source for everything Monarch


One star reviews

Our thoughts on things that just don’t stack up

Lin Manuel Miranda

The biggest problem in today’s pop-culture is Lin Manuel Miranda. I give him a one star review. Number one: he has the greasiest hair in the world. Don’t even try to tell me it’s just hair gel, I know greasy hair when I see it. Number two: he has the most pitchy voice ever. His music isn’t  bad, he just shouldn’t be allowed to sing it. He sounds like he hasn’t gone through puberty yet. In a crowd of voices, his voice stands out… not in a good way. Number three: somehow, he manages to squeeze himself into every movie or show possible. Just because he writes the music for them, does not mean he should act in them. He can barely act. Scratch that, he can’t act. Every time I think of Hamilton, greasy black hair with scratchy voice Lin pops into my head. That image is never going to be fixed with the real Hamilton. Do I even need to mention the live action Moana that’s coming out? Somehow, he’s in that too. It’s already ruined and it hasn’t even come out yet. I would definitely give Lin Manuel Miranda a one star review.

-Abby Prescott



Painting is a pain in my art. The brushes are so hard to use, the colors always blend together, and I can never decide what I want to make. Worst of all, it takes forever. I know many people resort to painting as stress relief, but I just can’t understand why someone would put so much time and effort into it. For me, it’s torture. When I was younger my friend loved painting, so we often would paint together. Somehow, I would always go home crying. She was fantastic at painting everything. I couldn’t even get the right shape of a pineapple. It’s not that I’m angry that I’m so bad at it,  it’s because everyone else finds it so relaxing and fun and it makes me want to throw the stupid white canvas out the window. Even those painting classes that are led by professionals make me angry. They tell me to draw a swoosh then a dot then a triangle and suddenly it’s a mountain. So easy, right? No. I just don’t understand how people genuinely love painting. How do they not get angry? Overall, I give it a one-star review just because I can’t give it a zero.  

-Abbey Elalouf


All black sneakers

Solid black sneakers may be the ugliest shoes to exist. I can’t explain why I hate them so much. Maybe I attribute them to an old man, or maybe I just have a burning hatred for no reason. Whenever I see a plain black sneaker, it causes me physical pain. They sum up everything wrong with fashion today. No good outfit was ever paired with those hideous shoes. Why would you pick a pair of all-black sneakers to pair with your outfit when you could have a crisp and clean pair of white Converse or Sambas? There’s a connection in my brain between skechers and all-black shoes—both insanely ugly might I add—but I believe that they should only be worn by 3-year-olds or old men. It would be wearing those shoes if you asked me what my deal breakers are, along with a long list of horrible personality traits. Will I ever say anything to anyone who chose to wear them? Probably not, but I will sit and judge as they walk along, each step slowly crushing another piece of my soul.

-Aine Egbert


Thor: Love and Thunder

I used to like Marvel movies. The classics are good, and some of their spinoff shows, like WandaVision and Loki, are entertaining. But I can’t stress this enough: the latest Marvel productions have ruined my opinion of the franchise. The Thor movies were never good, but I can’t believe that I wasted $3.99 and 15 minutes of my life on that trash. And no—the movie isn’t 15 minutes long. That’s just how long I lasted. The whole thing is two hours, but I would rather die than sit through it. When I first hit play, I thought I was watching a fever dream that some character was going to wake up from. But no. It just kept going. The whole idea is that it’s some weird comedic take on normal Marvel characters, but every joke falls flat, and it ends up feeling bizarre and disjointed. I had no idea what was going on. If you haven’t seen it yet, save yourself the trouble and stay happily in the dark.

-Maren Holecek


Monarch’s hallways

We are jam packed like sardines trying to get to class and ride each other’s heels because everyone walks so slow. Not only are the hallways jam packed, but they’re also loud. Did we learn nothing from walking quietly in elementary school? Have we forgotten our past? Yelling, punching your friends as a joke, and stopping in the middle of the hallway is disrespectful. Also, why do people just stand there? Let me paint a picture for you, you’re scurrying from the basement to C-Hall and you’re almost there, but right as you’re about to walk in, you run into a herd of freshmen who stand there unknowingly blocking the door. You politely ask them to move, but somehow no one hears you and you just lurk silently in the hallway. Plus, avoiding the busy hallways is literally impossible. There’s no way to get from point A to point B without being stopped in the middle of B-Hall or trampled down the stairs. I give school hallways a one star review.

-Milo Needle


TikTok singers

TikTok singers deserve one star. Their platform does not give them the right to release horrible music. I respect the courage those TikTokers have to get online and post heavily edited videos of them lip syncing to their own songs, but that doesn’t mean they don’t sound stupid. I block every single one of them that pops up on my for-you page. I understand that I can just scroll past the videos and pay no attention to them, but it has gotten to a point where the songs being released by these random influencers show up every other video. They always take something like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” or “Baa Baa Black Sheep,” add a couple of swear words, and then boom! That’s the whole song. Then they go around thinking they wrote the song of the summer. I have no clue why they would release such a monstrosity. Surely they know how much people will hate it. With all of the amazing songs out there by real artists, these “TikTok pop stars” put a bad name on music. Their creativity goes out of the window, and the production of these songs always turns out to be lazy and rushed, not to mention the heavy auto-tune ruins everything. Even though it feels a tad bit too generous, I give TikTok singers a one-star review.

-Rachel Larsen


Dating on social media

Gen Z has started looking towards social media to create more and more connections, and that includes dating. Whether it be on Instagram or Snapchat, people find a way to get into a relationship. However, you can’t build a real connection through the screen. You need to go out to meet and talk to people. Encounters on social media are artificial and make it hard to really get to know and understand people. The idea of actually asking someone out is a scary thought for many people. But really, there’s no other way than to sit down with someone and have a genuine conversation unless you ask them out in person. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, it’s okay because you’ll meet more people. In the 90s, people would actually touch grass and talk to each other. Social media is overrated and will never replace those interactions, but because everyone has it nowadays, you miss out if you aren’t using it. It’s so stressful to keep up with snap streaks and text everyone back. We need to reconnect in real life and in person with each other to better understand each other.

-Teodora Blizanac

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