Reasons Why I Don’t Understand Basketball

And trust me, I've tried

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Daisy Fuchs

What is even happening?

Ali Harford, Howler Editor in Chief

Dear Basketball Players,

    You would think that by going to Monarch High School and completing the freshman gym basketball unit, and by being enrolled in Syracuse University, I would know my way around a basketball court, but for reals, I’m incredibly confused. Now listen. I’ve tried to learn, I promise. When I was a sophomore I had this massive crush on a basketball player and to impress him, I read up on all the rules of the game during lunch and tried to talk to him about it during our class together (needless to say, it didn’t work out). Also, I definitely want to know what’s going on, because I feel pretty hypocritical when I say “ball it up” yet I can’t get a basketball into a net to save my life. Anyway. Here’s a list of my main questions.

1- Why is the buzzer so loud?

Is it necessary to send my ears into another dimension when a quarter ends? Is this a rule? Does it have to be that loud? Is it to wake people up? Is it because it’s a gym so the sound waves bounce around or something? Why?? Is?? The?? Buzzer?? So?? Loud??

2- Why do players have to return to halfcourt sometimes?

What is that? Does it start something over, like a play or something? Is it kinda like softball where there are innings but then within the innings are outs? What’s up with that? If you don’t return to the middle what happens? Do the points not count? Do you make a foul or something??? What??

3- Why is it so easy to make fouls?

Is it the point of basketball to try to get free throws? Like, free throws seem like a pretty rad way to get points but???? I feel like people accidentally foul all the time, like too often? Most of the points are scored on free throws? Am I just watching particularly violent games where the players just like to deck each other? I don’t???????

4- Is it easy to dunk?

Is dunking like a rite of passage kind of a thing? Like hitting a homerun? Is it like a most-good-players-can-dunk or only a few select, super tall and very talented players can dunk? Do people dunk a lot during games? I mean, I’ve never seen a dunk during a game in real life, but have I just been to a few odd games? Do you get extra points?? Is dunking even real?????

5- Are there plays, like in football?

And what are they? Honestly whenever I’ve watched it seems like anarchy out there. Is it actually planned? What happens when the other team snatches the ball, do you just go off of instinct to decide what to do? ?? ?????

Please write back and/or find me in the hallways and explain this game to me. Thanks.

Sincerely and with love,

Ali