Brain Drain

A boy's journey into the dread of The Test


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Treyton Williams, Opinions Editor

The Test.

Every man, woman, and super senior at Monarch High School dreads it. It is the epitome of stress, preparation, and lowered GPAs. It takes on a different physical manifestation for each individual. For some, it is a history final. For others, it can be the language arts midterm essay. But for poor old Billy Circumstance, it’s the first test of the year: The quiz for the first chapter of his math textbook. Let’s dive into Billy’s head and see how he fairs with his test, shall we?


Ah yeah man, gonna ace this! Studied for all of 15 minutes. Why would I need to do any more? It’s only September and it’s the first chapter. What the heck could be on here?

Name: B-I-L-L-Y-C.
– Ha. First question down. On a roll here.

1.Given a slope of m=3, find the dictation of the hyperbole of the sun’s surface area.
– What.
Uh. Hehe. Yeah. Well, there’s always one problem like this. Better move on and come back, it might make sense later.

2. Using the tangent line of F= qrstuvwzy(and)z, find the secret of the fifth Norwegian expedition to Arabia.
– What the heck is Norwegian? Is that like a parabola? Uhh. Let’s see. I recognize the letters so let’s write some random ones down and get some partial credit.

3. Solve for X. 4= 2x
– So, wait, there’s TWO X’s? Which one am I supposed to solve for? And how does a letter equal a number?

4. 2+2= ?

5. If Johnny had three apples and you ate two, how many apples do you have left?
– Well this one is simple. They’re Johnny’s apples, not mine, so I have zero left.

6. Using the answer to the problem above, calculate the rate of extinction of Granny Smith apples in the Eastern Hemisphere.
– 2068.47 apples per year. Finally, an easy one.

7. How are you today? 🙂
– Oh, crap, I KNOW this one….. uh. Good, I guess.

You get the point. Everyone faces challenges, it’s up to the individual to face them, and Billy, sweet, innocent Billy, should probably study from now on.