Texting and Driving- It Can Wait…probably


Jack Howard, Staff Reporter/Staff Cartoonist

Unbeknownst to the general public, an elaborate scheme to destroy the world was formulated by a small group of radicals in 2012. There were only two people outside this group who were aware of the plan. Two good samaritans named Nicholas Myers and William Hensley. They set out to destroy the devious plot before anyone was hurt.

While driving to the daycare center where the bomb was being held, Nicholas received a text message from William. The message read:

Sever the brown wire within the next two minutes or the entire human race will be annihilated.

Nicholas made the reckless choice to read the message while driving, and drove into oncoming traffic. The people he hit were largely unharmed, but Nicholas was mortally injured. With both his legs blown off, Nicholas was forced to crawl the remaining half mile to the daycare center. Miraculously, he made it in time to deactivate the bomb with less than a second remaining. He then collapsed on the floor, dead. An American hero? Yeah… maybe. Maybe if he would have let it wait!

While innocently driving down the street one day, teenage male, Tyler Armstrong received a text message. The message stated:

Crash the car right now or I’m going to kill your entire family.

But Tyler never got a chance to do what his friend asked when, distracted by the text, he veered off the road, crashing into a building. Alright, I guess technically he did, but that’s irrelevant, okay? Tyler’s mother Lois spoke to us about the horrific tragedy, “Tyler was such a great kid! Every time he entered a room, he just brought a smile to everyone’s face. How could he have let this happen? But on the other hand, myself, my husband and 11 other kids are all alive because of his accident. Geez, that’s a moral quandary, huh? Not really what you guys are going for, I guess. Alright, maybe you should just go.”

After three masked men entered the family home of The Robinsons and stole or destroyed all their most valuable possessions, eldest son Jimmy felt compelled to murder them all in an act of vengeance. While angrily driving to ambush them, Jimmy received a text message from his accomplice. The message read:

They’re coming out of an alley about 200 feet in front of you right now!

Distracted by the message, Jimmy ran over and killed three people… the three people he intended to kill. Jimmy spoke with us about his multiple manslaughter that he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life. “Yes, it’s true. I did want them dead, but not like this. (sobs) Not like this! But on the bright side, now I don’t have to face premeditated homicide charges!”

Texting and Driving, It Can Wait.